My Abuser

I'm a smart, well educated, and strong woman with good judgement. I feel a positive or negative 'vibe' in people when I first meet them which has proven itself to be quite accurate over the years.  But contrary to my 'woman's intuition', I fell into a relationship with an abusive person.  I've contemplated the reason for this especially after writing the webpage article on this site about the behavior of abusive people. Despite people's accusations that victims of abuse are attracted to 'bad boys' or that they deserve the abusive (I prefer to be called a SURVIVOR), I want to share how someone can easily become a victim as it happened to me not too long ago:

When I first met My Abuser (to leave out names this is how I will refer to him), I was not comfortable with his 'vibe'. Mutual friends introduced us, vouched for him, and then he asked me out a few weeks later. I politely told him I wasn't interested but he still sent an expensive bouquet of flowers to my house (after acquiring my personal address from a mutual friend). I was flattered but still not interested.

Some time went by and I received a Facebook message from a woman whom I had dozens of mutual friends with. Her email went on about My Abuser and how he was misunderstood, had been through a number of hardships and trials, and what a 'great guy' he was.  She was friendly, sweet, and seemed very sincere.  We began to correspond talking about life, our jobs, friends, and this man that I had previously turned down.  I've always been slightly uncomfortable around men due to being molested as a child and raped as a teenager but as she opened up to me about her past and shared things about My Abuser's past I began to trust her. I  went from being not interested in him, to feeling sorry for him, to eventually feeling curious about getting to know him in person.

We finally went on a date and quickly fell into a relationship, moving in together before I really had a chance to get to know him.  I noticed things that set off alarms inside me, but I ignored them. I always try and believe the best in people and I had come to believe my first impression of him was wrong. My mysterious and trusted pen-pal (whom I never had the opportunity to meet in person due to her recent move to New York) vouched for My Abuser.  He absolutely adored me and I wanted so badly to have finally found Mr. Right.

He slowly began to voice disapproval of my friends and was not supportive of me going out without him. He consistently lied to me and posed as the victim in every circumstance.  He was as hot and cold as Jekyll and Hyde. He told me stories of fights he had gotten into in the past, people he had hurt and almost killed, and sadly how his dad has abused him and his siblings. A few times he got angry and threw things, red in the face, spitting mad about the simplest of issues. He was controlling and manipulative. He jealously always accused me of cheating on him.  He went through my computer and phone every night never allowing me privacy. I was not in control of my own life anymore, my confidence drained I became severely depressed.

I was afraid of him, yet I still stayed with him because he seemed like a hurt puppy I could fix. He was very emotional, clingy, and had quickly fallen in love with me telling me I was his soul mate.  "No one else will ever love you the way that I do. No one else will ever understand you the way I do. I can never live my life without you in it"  were constant words out of his mouth.  We had fallen into the cycle of abuse, the honeymoon stage was heavenly when he was on his best behavior. I had to walk on egg shells in an attempt keep him in a good mood because once he became agitated or insecure... he turned into the devil, a real life nightmare appearing before my eyes.

 

I started realizing how unhealthy the relationship was but I was afraid to get out, I had forgotten what a healthy relationship looks like.  He had threatened me and my reputation with my friends and my job, and even threatened death to other men if I were to communicate with them.

It was around this time I accidently discovered a profile on Facebook... one he had forgotten to log out of on his computer.  It didn't belong to him, it belonged to my mysterious pen-pal who conveniently lived in New York. Suddenly everything fell into place and I felt like a fool, totally and completely manipulated and taken advantage of! He had gained my trust by pretending to be this woman.  For a brief moment I wondered if I should be flattered or if I should be running to the police because of his psychotic behavior?!  I did find a way out of the relationship but only after he nearly killed meyou can listen to that part of my story here.  

After getting out, I slowly began to rebuild the confidence he had destroyed. I came to a place where I could learn from my past...the biggest lesson in my story is to trust your instincts. I ignored mine and it nearly cost me my life. When I saw the early warning signs and experienced a number of the different types of abuse, I should have gotten out immediately. Its my mission in life now to protect people from relationships like the one I was in, especially as I personally understand why victims are tempted to stay in the relationship. I've turned a negative experience into a positive mission.  

Please join me in my campaign against domestic abuse, become familiar with the behaviors of abusive people and learn how you can safely intervene to save someone's life


Comments

LEts make the diference! i really aproves the project!

Thank you for the support Gray, together we can make a difference!

I am a guy and was in a rather ... bad ... relationship myself for a while. She was great at first but things just slowly got worse and worse. It taught me a lot in hindsight about how this works. And I can start to understand some of the things I hear so much better now. Things start just fine, then it gets a LITTLE bit worse. But you adjust, you get used to it, it's fine. Then things get a LITTLE bit worse. But it's just a little worse, you adjust and get used to it. Then it just keeps repeating, and after a few years you're in a place that is just flat out unacceptable - but you got there so slowly that you just don't realize how out of whack things are. It wasn't until I got out of that relationship and had been out of it for a while that I started to actually be somewhat shocked by it. It wasn't until my concept of "normal" got reset to a more realistic normal, and then I looked back at some of the things I'd written and pictures I'd taken and I got shocked - how could anyone live like that? - but it was me, and at the time it was just life as normal. I'm glad I'm out. And I've remarried, and every time I think back to the previous relationship I pretty much want to go buy my wife a present. The one really good thing out of that relationship is that now that I'm in a decent relationship, I actually know what I have and appreciate it. I don't take it for granted.

Thank you for sharing Evan, I know its especially difficult for men to share personal stories of abuse. It's important to speak out as your words may give someone else the strength to seek help or get out of an abusive situation. I'm very happy you have found someone who treats you with love and respect! You are worth it!

There are so many common threads in abusive relationships - parts of your story gave me chills because I experienced the same things!! I also ignored my instincts and warning signs in hopes that it was a one-time thing, and that he was my soul mate and life partner. In the end, my mom was right - she said if it's bad early on, it will get worse later! At the time I didn't want to believe her, but now I do.

It's amazing how many common themes I see coming up in each unique story of abuse that is shared with me. It's so important to trust our instincts and pay attention to warning signs! Thanks for bringing up another valuable lesson....Mom's are right - at least most of the time ;)

Glad you're in a better place now, and reaching out to help others!

Thank you Brett. I think its our duty to give back to society, especially after others helped me. Pay it forward ;)

I can't imagine what it was like to go through that. You are always stronger than you know and sometimes it takes a life or death situation to redefine your life. I support you and love what you are doing.

Thank you Katie, I was strong before I was temporarily torn down. But now I am stronger than I've ever been before. Its my duty to share this sense of empowerment with others, I can't leave anyone behind.

I too am a strong educated woman who thought domestic violence would never happen to me. But it did. I took me a while to realize I was being abused, but I finally got out for my son. Thank you for bringing more awareness to this issue. I blog about my journey of healing and recovery. Feel free to check it out. http://elfladyschronicles.blogspot.com/ My most recent post is about how I met my abuser and how I was able to leave. Take care, D

Thank you for sharing Donna! It's scary how often I hear these words. So many women have their own tale and experience of abuse.

Our stories are very similar except my abuser never got the change to try to kill me, the intent was there but I believe angels were watching over myself and my daughter. Here is a poem I wrote about my abuser The Ship that Sailed So lost was I ready to cling to you like a life raft. Yet you were older and wiser. You knew I was way too young for such things and too freshly bruised for such decisions. You led me into a world I had no clue about. Like a Siren's song your words entranced me. I was a lost soul, out on the rough sea of life. You offered shelter from the storm, you said I would be safe. Had I known the storm coming I would never have left port. I left the shelter of a loving home excited to navigate the seas. At first things were calm, but the sea is a fickle fiend and with you to churn it more the storms rose quickly. My successes were celebrated at first, then as time progressed they were greeted with cannon firings of harsh words. When my sails showed signs of stress you allowed my ship to drift close to sharp rocks, rocks with tongues so razor sharp nothing could withstand them. When I took on water you told me I was no longer attractive to you, then you allowed me to drift into danger. When Pirates boarded me and ransacked my inner soul with their ways you looked the other way. Yet when they disembarked you were there to chastise me for allowing them to board at all. When I was unfairly attacked by other ships you stood aside and allowed the damage to be done. When I was ridiculed you joined the crowd. When I cried out for help, you turned your ship so you could not see or hear me. There I floated on the sea broken, my sails tattered, my wheel did not have the strength to turn. I had no soul left, no strength, I was ready to allow myself to sink to the bottom. Then one day a kind wind blew past, and stopped to look at me. I hung my sails in shame for I was a mess. The wind did not see a mess but a ship that needed love. Gently but firmly the wind blew my sails until they were able to allow me to drift. You with your back to me did not see my sails fill. You were more interested in what was going on everywhere else. At first I did not move, I was afraid, I called out to you one more time and you had only harsh words and did not bother to turn to even see me. Then a school of dolphins came by and the wind called to them to pull me. Suddenly I was moving, away from the rocks, away from the stormy seas. The sun was shining and warm waters greeted my ship as it moved. My holes sealed, my sailed billowed in the wind. The ship was made whole and new again! There was just one thing left to do, sail away. You still sit in the dark part of the ocean spewing your cruel words telling all who pass how ungrateful and selfish I was. How wonderful a captain you were, and how poor a sailor I was. I sail in the sun, I have no harsh words for you and your words no longer reach my ears. My ship has sailed.

Thank you for sharing your poem. Glad to hear you ship has sailed and hope you are in a happier place.

Who told you my story! Oh wait abusers are all the same. I'm much better now

Like Ann above, I really relate to your story. My career and finances ruined and with only shells of my former friendships, I am trying to pull myself out of the shambles and move on.

The thing I want to share with young people in abusive situations , IS GET OUT!! I stayed for 3 and half years. We had a son together and in my family divorce is not an option. it was not so bad at first , and yes he had been abused as a child, to the point of "multiple personality disorder", which is what they called it then. it escalated to the point that I Knew if I did not leave one of would die. the thing I want younger people to hear is my son was only 2 1/2 years old when I left his dad and yet he still had some violence he had to learn to get to the other side of. I am now 48 years old, I have spent my whole life an active well muscled person, flat out healthy. the damage he did to me in 3 years, is now taking it's toll on me. he fractured and/or dislocated about 1/3 of the bones in my body, including my skull. The injuries we get when we are young we shake off, we think we do anyway. here at this point in time I have old injuries that react to the barometer , I hurt so bad some days from my scalp to my toes. I have trouble holding down a job. The concussions make it hard to even think sometimes. Please just leave ! If they have emotional issues that require them to control you even if they have to resort to violence, they need REAL help. Love sadly is NOT enough. Every time he throws you, or shoves you, or hits you or kicks you. It is permanent. You just do not realize how permanent till very much later...

Very well put Amber. Thank you for sharing your traumatic experience. Knowing that escape is possible helps to inspire many women, thank you for your blunt and sincere post encouraging other women to GET OUT.

I was there but know I am safe .I was one that thought that there would be no way a man would do that to but my abuser was realy good he made me fell like I was the one then when it hit the fan he would us my son against me and tell me it would be nothing for hi to kill me I can teli got away from him and when I seen he got. Married I was praying he had changed but I seen on her fb page he had not so I friended her and told her my story and it took her a few times leaving him but she is strong know and is safe I sent her a tazer and mace to help her out

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